5 places I thought it was hot to have sex, but were not

12 Nov

I’ve been gone a while, but don’t blame me. I was deep under the covers in a place where my line of work is frowned upon. I feel like James Bond, telling my tells of sexual deviation. In any case all this, made me think of the places I’ve had sex over the years and though I expected some of them to be extreme turn ons they turned out to be… disappointing to say the least.

5. Work  

To be honest, I’d always imagined this as sexy. Nothing naughtier than being paid to be an accountant while actually banging in the bathroom. Does this technically make me a prostitute? I am technically being paid for having sex? Or is it being paid while having sex? Is that a real distinction? In any case, when I actually arrive at the office and sit at the cubicle (Yes, I used to sit at a cubicle, right across from you) my libido goes into hiding. There are no muscular men walking shirtless around my office. Their mostly middle aged men with bellies starting to show. Even when an attractive manager would come to visit the smell of arrogance and inflated self-importance would put me off.

4. Public park

The notion of taking your clothes off and dancing in the rain was popular way before Ricky Martin suggested it, but I can tell you that this is horribly overrated. On a dark dank night, I was walking home through the park with my lover. We ducked under the trees to shelter from the rain. Passion overtook us. When we were done I was dirty, and not in the way that you like. I woke up with a runny nose and a cold the next day. Not hot.

Also, I’m pretty sure their was a hobo masturbating while he was watching us.

3. Airplane

The mile high club is a legend. Shooting through the sky in a cock with wings, does make me completely wet. So I sit in the plane hoping that the hunky steward is straight (oh bad bad stereotyping Juliana!) the rumbling of jet engines revving me up, only to completely crash at the moment of truth. Unless I get my own private jet, it looks like the mile high club is out of reach for me. The smell of urine (and whatever else) and the contortionist poses needed to pull off the sex at 10 000 meters ain’t for this lady.

2. Childhood bedroom

As a young teen living with my parents, I thought a lot about sex, but rarely got any. I thought it would be a good idea to bring my lover back into my parents house and to the bed where I used to sleep. I broke the bed and my parents had a talk with me about not bringing boys into the house. I’m an adult! They can’t tell me what to do!!! OMG!

1. Jail

Just not cool.

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