Archive | November, 2012

Sex and innovation

28 Nov

First of all, I apologize for my lateness, but on the bright side, I’m not pregnant.

I’ve been thinking about innovation. You’d think that someone like me always has sex on their mind and you would be right, I’m just good at multitasking, and I’m very good at typing with one hand. Back to innovation though, man has made humongous leaps in technology, I mean things that literally would blow people’s minds have been achieved in the past three decades or so. Telephones, Internet, mobiles these are technologies that have revolutionized the world. Everything has changed because of these technologies, human culture as a whole has been influence by them.

But Juliana, why are you giving me this boring spiel about how great technology is you ask. And here’s why. Think about what we used them for. Telephones, remember 1-800-HOT-SEX? A huge portion of the network was taken up with people calling sex lines. The other portion was composed of kids making prank calls to sex lines. Internet, well 90% of the Internet is porn, the rest is soft core erotica geared and the rest is facebook, which is also in itself like 90% porn. One of the greatest technologies invented, totally done by nerds who wanted to share their porn. Mobiles, it’s like porn in your pocket. Ridiculous.

The link has been laid Juliana, we get it, we’re a bunch of perverts. We knew that already. What are you really trying to tell us?

What I’m really trying to say is: there are hot, horny men and women on Mars, they are just waiting for you to get there!


what do you mean you forgot the condoms? what the fuck did we travel 35 million miles for? Sand samples?

How Kinky do you get?

19 Nov

” Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.”


And because it is nearly Thanksgiving, I use a turkey.

Kink may actually be largely cultural. When you ask yourself, what turns you on? For me, it is largely the forbidden, the taboo. Something I have found to be largely cultural. I wonder if as a result of women hiding their body so completely as in some countries, it isn’t turned into one giant turn on festival for men?

I’ve had partners who were reticent to let me caress certain parts of their body and suddenly, the moment they let me, I was turned on. Almost as if I had developed some sort of fetish where there was none before.

Drawing the line, between kinky and perverted without poultry is extremely difficult. The most mundane thing can be kinky and the fact that it is rather mundane, might actually propel it to the case of perversion.

I’d rather like to postulate that there is no perversion, except when whatever little deviation you have makes other’s uncomfortable. Everything is kinky until someone is not cool with it, then it is perverted.

To relate that back to the quotation at the top. Using a feather on me, might actually get me to come, but having a chicken in bed will make me extremely uncomfortable. Especially cause I prefer cock.

What do you think? Where do you draw the line? And with what and on whom?

5 places I thought it was hot to have sex, but were not

12 Nov

I’ve been gone a while, but don’t blame me. I was deep under the covers in a place where my line of work is frowned upon. I feel like James Bond, telling my tells of sexual deviation. In any case all this, made me think of the places I’ve had sex over the years and though I expected some of them to be extreme turn ons they turned out to be… disappointing to say the least.

5. Work  

To be honest, I’d always imagined this as sexy. Nothing naughtier than being paid to be an accountant while actually banging in the bathroom. Does this technically make me a prostitute? I am technically being paid for having sex? Or is it being paid while¬†having sex? Is that a real distinction? In any case, when I actually arrive at the office and sit at the cubicle (Yes, I used to sit at a cubicle, right across from you) my libido goes into hiding. There are no muscular men walking shirtless around my office. Their mostly middle aged men with bellies starting to show. Even when an attractive manager would come to visit the smell of arrogance and inflated self-importance would put me off.

4. Public park

The notion of taking your clothes off and dancing in the rain was popular way before Ricky Martin suggested it, but I can tell you that this is horribly overrated. On a dark dank night, I was walking home through the park with my lover. We ducked under the trees to shelter from the rain. Passion overtook us. When we were done I was dirty, and not in the way that you like. I woke up with a runny nose and a cold the next day. Not hot.

Also, I’m pretty sure their was a hobo masturbating while he was watching us.

3. Airplane

The mile high club is a legend. Shooting through the sky in a cock with wings, does make me completely wet. So I sit in the plane hoping that the hunky steward is straight (oh bad bad stereotyping Juliana!) the rumbling of jet engines revving me up, only to completely crash at the moment of truth. Unless I get my own private jet, it looks like the mile high club is out of reach for me. The smell of urine (and whatever else) and the contortionist poses needed to pull off the sex at 10 000 meters ain’t for this lady.

2. Childhood bedroom

As a young teen living with my parents, I thought a lot about sex, but rarely got any. I thought it would be a good idea to bring my lover back into my parents house and to the bed where I used to sleep. I broke the bed and my parents had a talk with me about not bringing boys into the house. I’m an adult! They can’t tell me what to do!!! OMG!

1. Jail

Just not cool.

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