Archive | September, 2012

5 Foods to Spice up your Sex Life

24 Sep

Ever try those aphrodisiac foods? There are so many of them and none of them work. The authors, sexologists, and whatever other quacks there are list all kinds of superstitions and para-science as fact.

So, I got to thinking, if people are really so anxious to get turned on by food maybe I could offer a solution.

So while staring intently at my fruit bowl, I slid my fingers into my pants. And then it hit me, they were using the food all wrong.

I’ve even included a few for my male readers.

5. Banana

so horny, er... hungry

You say cliche, I say classic. There is a reason it works over and over again. Men watching a woman eat a banana with slow deliberate bites see only one thing. You might need to practice a bit, since there is a fine line between sensual and ridiculous, but I know nary a man who manages to stay soft. And I don’t know about you, imagining the banana is a penis and knowing that man you’re targeting is getting turned on… it is difficult to get me hotter…

4. Olive oil

Forget cooking. That’s not how olive oil works. Spread it over your body, feel your hands slide over your curves, so smooth so gentle that your hands with a will of there own will caress you to climax. Olive oil is, of course, much better shared with someone else. Watch their skin glisten as you explore their slippery slopes.

3. Watermelon

Close you mouth girls, this one isn’t for you. Even I know my limits. I can accept the fact that most men are against receiving, but that shouldn’t stop them from the fun. We all know that warm apple pie might be the staple, but if you want to do it healthy, I can recommend the watermelon. Stick it in the fleshy hole and if your lucky a lovely lady may lick off the sweet juices. Of the watermelon, you perv.

2. Cucumber

The cucumber may be a little bland in taste, but it is the king of the sex foods. Don’t tell me you walk through the vegetable isle and never think about that cucumber. Peel the skin to leave the slippery and cool vegetable phallus and you’re good to go. Suitable for vegetarians.

1. Ginger

Peel it, shape it, stick it somewhere and you shall see. It will make you burn with desire. Figgin’ amazin’!

It’s not the Sex, It’s the Lover

17 Sep

” It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover. “

Marge Piercy

After a long absence I’m back to provide you with my weekly thoughts on sex.

I find that many men have an obsession with techniques. They flip me around and bend me into all kinds of positions. I’m a flexible girl, so I don’t particularly mind it. What I mind is their smugness afterwards. Just because they managed to drill me while doing a handstand doesn’t make the sex great. Sure, every girls should try out handstand guy, because… awesome, but on the other hand it could never be more than a one night stand.

Although, I will never forget handstand man and that yoga instructor, they were not the best sex I’ve ever had. I’ve had my mind blown during the perfectly innocent missionary position. (A position that the church has given a bad name might I add). When you feel that the man is there in the moment with you, lost in the rhythm of your breath, intoxicated and entranced by the scent of your body, that is the sex I remember. There is no golden technique that can equal a man, who is a lover, not a machine.

If I wanted a machine, I would buy one, honey.

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